[.blog]

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When you're sad, things you've done that you wish you hadn't flash before your eyes.

At the time, there was no problem, but as the events play back in your head, you think of thousands of things you should have done, or said, instead.

You feel stupid. Inadequte. Cumbersome. Helpless.

In case you're unusually unperceptive, I've been depressed for a while. There are times when I'm with friends, and I don't think about anything else, and I just have fun. I feel good. But as soon as we're done, I can't help returning to a depressed state of lethargy. Soon after I can't even remember the fun that I had, nor can I even remember what it's like to even have fun. I hate it; it's not on purpose. It's just, right now, it's very difficult for me to enjoy myself.

Sometimes I'll sit for long periods of time, aimlessly dragging the mouse across my desktop. Sometimes I'll sit and stare at my buddy list in desperation. Sometimes I'll sit and stare at my wall. Sometimes I'll lie down and stare at nothing.

I know exactly why I'm so down. Well, maybe not exactly, but I know the root of the problem. It's a combination of three things, two of which are female and one of which I am forced to go to every day for seven hours (or more). I know the problems, but I don't know how to fix them. I feel totally helpless, which is a feeling I hate, and as a result, I'm really sad. I feel helpless, I feel useless, I lose all self-confidence. It's a downhill spiral that very few (if any) people can pull me out of. I'm trying hard to save myself, to pull myself out of the fall, but damn it's difficult.

I'm already a totally different person at school than I am on weekends, but when I'm sad the gap widens severly. I have two totally opposite personalities, and switch between them frighteningly rapidly. I'm sure this really pisses off the people who hang around me, and that makes me feel even worse, which in turn makes the problem worse.

I'm not suicidal, but I really don't want to be living. I don't want to die, or kill myself, or anything like that, but honestly, I'm getting sort of tired of life. It seems like too much work for too little reward. But I'll hang on 'cause it's supposed to get better (it's supposed to have been getting better ever since 7th grade) and, when I actually think about it, all three of my problems should go away, or at least get better, when I go to college. So maybe when I'm in college, I can be myself and start to enjoy life again.


Or maybe not.

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