[.blog]

---

It's two thirty in the morning, I can't get to sleep, and I just got up to use the bathroom and I tripped over a fan in the dark and stubbed the crap out of my goddamn big toe.

It's nights like these (which are unfortunately fairly common) that are the reason I sleep through school so much. Except now, I have six absences in physics, so I kind of need to start showing up. Not that anything really matters at this point... I didn't get into Olin, which is where I think I really wanted to go, and now UT is saying I won't be considered for application unless they have extra space (which they won't) because they received my transcript after the deadline. I don't like Austin, and I have no particular attraction to UT except for its film school, but now that I'm rejected it seems like the easiest and best choice of colleges. So I guess that leaves A&M, which accepted me (sent transcripts to both schools on the same day, by the way. And they both had the same deadline) or OU, which will give me a full ride via scholarships. I think, at this point, I have no reason to go to A&M, and there's nothing really I want to do at OU. I'm still interested in film. They have mass communications and stuff... I guess I can get a BFA in film/art. For free. At least the campus is pretty.

There's always northlake. They have a surprisingly respectable film school, from what I hear. I can always transfer into UT, probably even after first semester. I suppose that's not a bad choice, except it means six more months of living in the hell-hole I call home. If only I had a job, I could afford an appartment..

At this point I think I have no choice but to just sit back and see what happens. Everything always works out in the end, right? I pretty much have two decent-paying jobs lined up for me here if I stayed around and didn't even go to college. But still, it's the anticipation that's killing me. It'll work out somehow... but I just need to know how. And on top of worrying about all the college stuff I also have to deal with school, where I have one real teacher and three permanent substitutes, taking over for the only three teachers I've ever really talked to about anything. And on top of that my best friend who I normally talk to things about is going through her own stuff, and I'm really worried about her.

Oh yeah, I'm also coordinating the entire film crew aspect of shattered dreams at hebron, for some reason. The ENTIRE film crew aspect. Also, I'm having to cover for our theater department because at this point I'm the ONLY one who knows anything about our theater. Now that our tech director (who stopped including me in shows because he was pissed off that I sometimes gave my time to other activities as well) is gone, they're trying to recruit me back into teching because they only have two decent techs for the UIL four man crew, and, like I said, I'm the only one who can do anything.

Long story short (ish), I feel like I'm working my ass off, not getting anything done, and getting no support from anyone. I never have free time and yet there's always so much to do. I'm balancing all this weight on my shoulders, and no one is left to have my back when my spine snaps and I crush under the pressure.


It's going to be a long rest of my life.



P.S. Have a great week!

---